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77 posts categorized "wonderings"


new song lyrics

So what a couple of weeks! Video shoots, raging strep throat and more. All meriting another entry in a moment... Why didn't I blog while in bed? Good question. Maybe because I was so miserable all I could do was watch BBC crime series. And so this means I owe my blog lots of attention...again.

For now, happy to say this song below will make it on the 2 EPs out in the coming few months. It feels right.


Love Song #3.


You are so bad for me

But I love you tenderly

I couldn’t bear the thought

That you may go


But you are a faceless wall

Sometimes you’re a carnival

And if you swallow me whole

I need to know


Is it addiction that feeds me

Is it affection that binds me

It takes so little to cure me

Why did you have to remind me


That you are so good to me

When I hate you bitterly

You rise above, fill me with love

Until I choke


You are the Christmas day

You laugh my rage away

You’re always right

So why do I fight

And try to provoke


Is it addiction that feeds me

Is it affection that binds me

It took so long to convince me

That you were destined to find me


(instrumental/vocal bridge)


You see the best in me

You love my honesty

You never stop

And you pick me up

When I am low


But this is a travesty

Cause you don’t mean a damn to me

I want to care

But it’s just not there

And you gotta know


It’s the addiction that feeds me

You are the habit that binds me

You’ve given all just to please me

Now you should learn to despise me

Now you should learn to despise me...

Trying to fly



I think blogging more regularly is finally starting to become a habit. I often come across blogs of artists and personalities I am interested in - only to find out that their blog entries are often one a month or even less. I wonder why that is? Why start a blog if you are disinclined to write?

I can posit a reason or two: sometimes, life just takes over. It is so fast, furious, or even simply nice, that writing about it seems to be a moot point. Why write when life is so full you don't feel the need to fictionalize it in any way? Or when everything is a nice routine? Writing when you are content seems to be less of an urgent activity than when you are striving, unhappy, nostalgic and desire to express yourself. If an artist's life is normal, happy and full of normal, happy regular things - what is there to write about? Maybe there is, but there is less of an urge to try and do so.

Sometimes, however, it's the opposite. An artist won't write because he/she feels too fragile to write, because everything has gone wrong. Some of us are less inclined to share our faults and failures with the world at large. "No news is good news" sort of thing. What this means is: we hide when we are weak and feel lost. Reaching out to the world and letting it know we are in trouble seems like a cop-out and a signal that we are, indeed, failing and unworthy. An artist who has been public for a while is also surrounded by people - management, label and others. If there is a sense of frustration and it has been vented online, it will surely find its way to be seen by those who are connected to the artist's career, which is probably not a good thing.

And finally, it may be a question of discipline. Starting something is easy - like buying a plant. Sticking with it, feeding it, making sure it gets water regularly, trimming it, puting it in a bigger pot - well, that's a whole other thing. Good thing: blogs are like succulents - they don't die. Blog or not blog, your page is still there. 

I used to be terrible with plants, in fact - before my whole 'flower alchemist' phase. I am quite a bit better now. When I look at my plants now I can almost tell when they are happy or not: it is almost as if it is talking to me. That doesn't give me any ideas as to WHY that is, of course, but most of the time it is pretty easy: it wants attention. With attention comes water and care. A little bit of regular attention to anything, and it will grow and flower, including a blog: regular being the key word here.

This morning I found a great quote from Tchaikovsky: 

“There is no doubt that even the greatest musical geniuses have sometimes worked without inspiration. This guest (inspiration) does not always respond to the first invitation. We must always work, and a self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood. If we wait for the mood, without endeavouring to meet it half-way, we easily become indolent and apathetic. We must be patient, and believe that inspiration will come to those who can master their disinclination.” 
― Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

It is so true, in my opinion. In Russian we say: "Аппетит приходит во время еды". This means: Appetite arrives while you are having the meal. 

I do use Twitter, of course, but there is something so annoying about having to use 140 characters. I prefer it for news and communication, as well as keeping up with people I admire, who are online - like Esa-Pekka Salonen, who is my favorite conductor, and many others.

And so I am happy to say that I am getting back into blogging regularly - not to blog but to write, because I am developing a taste for it again. Writing should be done for writing's sake, otherwise it is contrived, stunted and reads more like a press release, than an account of human experience. Same goes for poetry: I have been so focused on music recently, I only now realized how much I have neglected my poetry. Not that both don't go hand in hand, because I do write lyrics, and that can be constituted as a form of poetry. However, what makes writing poetry different is that there is no music involved, and words and the spaces in-between are both the brush, palette and the canvas.





Spent the whole day yesterday recording guitars on new tracks with Ben Cassorla. He says I am in real danger of becoming a female Phil Spector: I love to layer, and I am very specific about what I want and what I don't want. In fact, he went as far as compliment me on my "session skillz" by saying that I was 'very organized'.

I'll take it. Being organized is a big part of being disciplined. I think I am happiest when I know I am actively working on goals I set for myself, as I have been recently. I spent most of Sunday preparing for the session by coming up with various guitar lines, hooks and ideas, and then recording them in scratch form, for Ben to re-record later. Yesterday we recorded all guitars for my new song Da Da Da Da - which, incidentally, is looking to become my first Russian single, too, and also Hero.

Speaking of Hero, today I am sending out the email with instructions for my Virtual Choir participants, of which there are more than a hundred. It will be an amazing choir!

This week I am finalizing the Japanese version of Dreamer and also continuing work on the Chinese version of Odi et Amo. Yes, I know it has been a while since I promised this recording, but it's better late than never, is it not? I think so.

Producing my new music is a huge deal for me. At least even being able to take it this far and give it all I've got - it is doing wonders for my self esteem and overall mood. Last week was increasingly stressful and I had to consciously distance myself from the news, social media etc and throw myself into work. It is pretty easy for me to spin out and lose track of time, or get anxious and sad when I read about negative things happening around the world. I have realized recently that if I am going to do the work, I must make sure I limit my exposure to the outside world, Internet, Twitter and such when I am focusing on the music. There is no other way.


Woke up early, headpiece-ready

...for a very fun photo shoot with friends/fans and great photographers duo Annabel & Dorothee of Belathee Photography.

I had a brand new headpiece to model that Missy of i102fly had custom made for my Moscow show, and I felt like it needed some proper photos - I wasn't wrong, I think we have some amazing pictures now. It is actually made from coral leaves which I found while on vacation in the Caribbean. It was my first time there and I loved it, and then brought the coral back in my suitcase. (Disclaimer: no live coral was actually harmed!) As a result, my suitcase smelled strongly for fish when I opened it, and so did all my clothes. The coral pieces had to bake in the sun and air out a bit for a few days, but they still smelled a bit like fish when Missy customized them into a headpiece and I took it to Moscow for the performance, where it was a big hit.

I am a little fuzzy and tired because the last few days were quite packed, between getting ready for the show, some private lessons I am taking, meetings etc. Starting this weekend I will have a somewhat slower stretch until my departure for TED & Europe in early June. Slower not in the sense of less to do - but just less deadline-oriented. Although hmmm..... maybe not:) Well, it is ok. I am happiest when I have a goal and I am working towards it. Maybe it's a Capricorn thing - I am like a mountain goat, slowly but surely finding my footing and climbing the mountain.

The show the other night was a lot of fun, sold out and we also shot it on video, so I am looking forward to seeing/hearing it. This was my first time in a long while performing with a full band - drummer, guitarist, bassist and myself on keyboards and guitar. I also performed two brand new songs, including Hero on which I play electric guitar. It was an early night, meaning that it was at 8 PM and I had quite a few kids in the audience. I had four little girls sitting in the front row staring at me, which was a bit distracting at first! They were incredibly cute. At the end of the show as I was packing up, two of them approached me, hand in hand, and asked whether they could be in my band. Victory! 

I have an enormous amount of music work to do but it's all very exciting. The Russian songs are taking shape, too, and I think I have my first Russian single for sure.

In about a week and a half I also will go and record a children's choir with a bunch of 3rd graders to add to my Hero song - and Missy and I will hold our first ever Dreamer Workshop for kids.


zzzzzzz.... late night hellos



Hero's Journey

As I jokingly said to a friend the other day: 

"Maybe I should stop with the archetypal - and one word - song titles!"

Consider: in my Beatrix Runs album I had:







And now, some of my new songs:





.....Do we detect a pattern here? What could this mean??

On another note, tonight I am performing Hero for the first time live. Butterflies.

I am also playing with the musicians who were with me at the iTunes Live Capitol Sessions last summer. They are so amazing. Here they are - well, minus string quartet this time, but the drummer and the bassist are the same - Jimmy Paxson and Michael Valerio. I love them.

Elizaveta - Armies of Your Heart - iTunes Live from Elizaveta on Vimeo.



The crowd sourcing idea I had for Hero really appealed to many people, apparently! I have over 100 emails from fans who want to be in the Virtual Choir. That is very, very cool. This is going to be an amazing choir, and can you imagine all those different energies pouring into it? I am excited. If you signed up, wait another few days to get all the information about and hows and the whens.

Also, in about 10 days I will get a chance to record a children's choir for the same thing. And we will film it, too. Wow! More on that later.


If you are reading this today - April 10, Wednesday, and you are not in L.A., we'll stream some of the show - badly, but one has to start somewhere:) and this link HERE, via USteam, starting 8 PM PST.


Work, work, work, work - play, play, play, play.

I really must stop neglecting this blog. Here, I said it: this is my new resolution. I think, however, this happens because I post on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, as well, so sometimes I forget. It is no excuse, however, because in writing longer passages that are not mere impressions or soundbytes, I seem to find a rhythm of a kind and make sense of things that happened over time.

March was a bit of a whirlwind. I performed my first show in Moscow on March 8th, at Oldich, which is a lovely venue. It was sold out and the audience was warm and welcoming. I can't wait to go back and also release my Russian language collection of songs, which I have also been working on. Here is a little video the venue put together:

Elizaveta @ Oldich Dress & Drink from Elizaveta on Vimeo.


At the moment I am a bit tired after a rehearsal, so I will fulfill my writing promise tomorrow. I am performing this Wednesday and really looking forward to it. Tomorrow I get to wake up early and keep on working...

But I do have something to share with you first, and below is my Newsletter I just sent out today:

greetings my darlings - this is one packed email, so please read carefully!


I. I have been hard at work on the new record, which will come to you in two EPs. I have been producing a lot of these songs, which is a brand new thing for me - both nerve-wrecking and incredibly fulfilling.

I need your help! One of the songs is called HERO. It is very special to me in this whole group of new songs and will definitely be a single, maybe even the first one. It also features a large choir at the end, of people who are all singing in unison. Since I can't really afford to record the Los Angeles Master Chorale, and I would love these to be REAL people, not software, here is my idea: why don't YOU sing on it - and be in my video?

Let's do this and make one giant choir!

So here are the details:

1) Email us at with CHOIR in the subject line: we are already compling a list of people who are interested and in about a week will send out the email with all the information you may need.

2) FAQ: you don't have to be an amazing singer. You don't have to be in my area: you could be in Russia, Siberia or France. You DO have to record yourself with your  computer or smartphone singing the short & simple melody (that we will provide to you) and email it to us. You can sing by yourself or with your child, aunt, friends - the more the merrier! Even better: videotape yourselves singing and upload it to YouTube, send me a link, and you will get a cameo in the HERO crowdsourced video. 

3) What will happen: We will take all these recordings, mix them together and: hooray! We have a huge choir for my song:) IMPORTANT: I can't pay you for your time or effort. But I will thank you personally on camera, add your names to the album liner notes, and host a special Google + chat for the participants only + send you a handwritten card.

II. I am performing next Wednesday, April 10 here, in LA, at the Witzend.We will be filming it for my live EPK and will need your lovely faces there! I will perform HERO for the first time, have the audience join in on the song and record it, too! So in a way, if you are at my show this coming Wednesday, you are ALREADY in my choir - how amazing is that?:)

Also, I will be joined by the amazing Michael Valerio on bass, Jimmy Paxson (who featured in my Capitol Sessions) on drums/percussion and Ben Cassorla on guitar. My new Flower Alchemist guitar (made by James Trussart, in the photo above) will be making an appearance, as well.

You are advised to purchase tickets now because it will sell out, so do it HERE. It is all ages & $10 to get in. There will be some kids there, so don't hesitate to bring yours!

However: If you are elsewhere and can't attend, join us in a Google+ Hangout! Make sure you sign up/add me on Google+ HERE or show up at the link in real time. We will launch a public Google+ Hangout just before the show starts, I will say hi and then you can catch some of the music! This is the first of many Google+Hangouts to follow, so make sure you are in my Circle;)

 III. Finally: I wanted to share with you that I have parted ways with my record label Universal Republic. I am utterly and forever grateful to them for making Beatrix Runs happen and the last two years were amazing. But - I believe that the future belongs to a different model, and I am already half-way there. I have many, many songs to share with you in the coming weeks and months, and being an independent artist is the right thing for me at this time. 

Thank you for sharing this road with me. I love you.

PS: my new Flower Alchemist guitar, made by James Trussart

My awesome guitar




Meant on 'Scandal' and Oscars:)

Well, tonight I was just at home, in my PJ's, working on new songs and re-singing vocal harmonies over and over, when my phone went crazy, and so did my Facebook and also Twitter.

In fact, my song Meant was being used for the promo of the ABC show 'Scandal' and it aired during Oscars. I missed it! I was working and not watching the Oscars: I'll admit it.

Also, I knew about the possible use, but it was not a sure thing - these things can change any moment - and so it came as a surprise to me, too... a very good one! I have been working very hard on the follow up music recently, and this is like a beautiful gift, and a fitting place for Meant. I have heard from some new fans who say the promo has a James Bond vibe:)

Thank you ABC for picking my song. Seriously: a big, big thank you.

And for those of you who are reading this and meeting me for the first time because of this occasion:

Buy the album version of Meant (the one used for the promo) on iTunes here:

There is a ton of cool things and videos on my official site, too.

Download a free copy of the original acoustic demo of Meant on my SoundCloud.


Official Meant video, directed by Julien Lasseur:


And if you're abroad, or on mobile or the You Tube video above is refusing to play, here is also:



Plus, the acoustic version with strings recorded and filmed live at Capitol Studios

(iTunes Live Session, also available on iTunes):



Adventures, TED Global and new songs

January was good to me.

First, I have a new furry friend. She arrived one day and I saw her skulking around the yard - very shy and unsure. I fed her some tuna. Over the next two weeks, she kept coming back, getting closer and closer until I was able to pet her. She turned out to be a little affectionate kitty, who loves cuddling, even though she is a bit skittish. She became my personal 'hot water bottle' and we spent a number of hours just relaxing and cuddling together. I had not realized how much I missed having a cat around.

Finally, as it was very cold, she started sleeping inside the house. At that point I decided to take her to the vet, to check her out and make sure she was spayed and had all her shots. When we arrived there, he scanned her - and lo and behold: she 'beeped'. Yes, she had a chip and a previous owner.

I was very embarassed because instead of feeling relieved, I burst into tears and had to put on my sun glasses. I drove home, inconsolate, and made the phone call to the owner - who actually turned out to be out of the country!

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks later. It turned out that the guy who originally adopted her found out - the hard way - that he was extremely allergic to cats. He had to give her back. In that place, there were other cats and apparently they kept beating her up. In fact, I could see that: she is a lover, more than fighter - anyway, she must have run away and found me, instead.  He was relieved that I was willing to keep her and even showed up at my place with ten pounds of cat food, her health certificate and a cat carrier. Happy ending. 

And here is Ponyo (yes, that's her new name) looking very smug, cuddling up:


I also went to Sundance for the first time and performed there. I met a multitude of interesting and lovely people and got to drive around Utah. I almost hit a deer. I got lost a couple of times. I did see a couple of films, but mostly spent time exploring. I would like to come back next year. I watched a Korean film called Jiseul  which tells the story of 1948 Jeju Massacre in Korea and some 120 villagers who hid in a cave for 60 days from soldiers who were under shoot-to-kill orders. It was a beautiful film, but I had to walk out after the first 30 minutes when rapes and killings started. I am a softy.

Ok, to change the subject: I have been invited to perform at the TED Global Conference in Edinburgh, Scotland, in June. It is a huge honor. I am incredibly intimidated. But seriously, I performed at TED here, in Long Beach last year, but it was a late night unofficial performance. This is going to be part of the official line-up, alongside with the speakers, and I will get a chance to collaborate with other artists who have been invited. Can't wait to get the list and more details. And I LOVE Scotland. 

I am also performing in Moscow, March 8th! At a beautiful venue called Oldich. Believe it or not, this is my first official concert in Moscow. It is timely, because I have been putting together my Russian EP, too - yes, five original songs in Russian. 

If you have friends in Moscow, let them know about this performance. I am excited!


And - I just came back from somewhere completely different. Anguilla... place where pirates hid their treasure years ago and noone has found it yet.


I have also been playing guitar quite a bit - both acoustic and electric.



 OK, back to work on new songs. They are shaping up just fine, but there is still quite a bit of work to be done.


Tis the season...

Well what a year it has been. So much done, learned, experienced. A lot of inner storms weathered - some more easily than others.

At the end of this year I am not at all where I thought I would be when I imagined it a year ago.

But I am certainly not the person I was a year ago, either. 

I have performed, traveled, made videos, tested personal limits of all kinds, acquired new friends and fans, cried, laughed till my stomach hurt, sang till my throat could take no more, doubted myself, felt invincible, written new songs and then had to rewrite everything, including my life.

I have learned that there are no gurantees except personal inner strength and faith in what you can do. The only constants in life are your habits: good and bad. People will change, life will change, your body may decide it has had it and needs rest, but if you're alive on the inside and trust yourself, you can take any risk - with any outcome - and still come out on top, just because you took the plunge.

Fear may keep you safe for a while, but it won't save you from your own 'what ifs'.

I think I wrote a while back how sometimes it appears that different people are made of different materials. Wood, steel. Plaster. Stone. Put wood in the fire and it will burn. Put steel in the fire and it will get stronger.

But there is more to that. I believe now that we all 'transmute' over time. We change - sometimes back and forth - and you could have started out as steel, but when hurt or tired, you may become glass for a while, feeling like anything could shatter you. You hide and bide your time, but eventually you feel stronger and now you are not thin and brittle like the surface of a wineglass, ready to break at any given moment, but a sturdy glass door. You are ready to leave your safe cupboard and face the world. Maybe not go out into it just yet, but make yourself visible and vulnerable to a degree.

I often felt very brittle and rather fragile over this past year. I would rise up to challenges, but on the inside, my self doubt kept alive by finding ways to deny me the pleasure of achievement. I would tell myself: 'yes, I did it, but... I could have prepared more. I should have done better. I didn't do my best'.

Strangely enough, as many things fell away towards the end of this year, I feel the strongest I have in a very long time. I don't feel diminished by my perceived "failures", like I would have in the past. I feel - well, for the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I could be a sword. Steel. Or a rapier of a kind. Fine steel, bendable, but strong and sharp.

I am also the hand that wields it.

You see, life is dangerous. Living life as it should be lived, in my opinion, is dangerous. When you plan, hope, strive, you open yourself up to a giddy sense of freedom and possibility, but also to a chance that you will fail miserably. You could be broken. Shattered. Discouraged. But if you stay safe and never push your limits, you will never know what you might have been otherwise.

Today Los Angeles is cold and it started out being around 40 degrees farenheit this morning. Not common for Southern California, but I love it. It's crisp and I can smell wood burning somewhere. The sun is warming everything up. It does feel like the end of the year.

We are about to put my new Store page up on my website, and in the next few weeks you can expect a lot of Beatrix Map updates. The story goes on... 2013 feels like it will be an amazing year.

And as we passed through Utah a couple of weeks ago, we shot a very silly, but happy video to my Christmas cover of 'Marshmallow World':




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NYC-born, raised in Russia, spent some time in an Italian monastery, arrived in the U.S. & studied opera. The rest is history.

'Beatrix Runs' & 'Hero EP' out worldwide.

As heard on The Affair, Scandal, Pretty Little Liars & 'Призрак' (2015)

New album 'Messenger' out in June 2015! Contact:

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