Elizaveta Ephemeris

Bonne Nuit Virginia!

 

Odi et Amo lyrics - from Beatrix Runs.

You told me that you loved me

And kissed me in the street

I felt your arms around me

Like ground beneath my feet

 

You promised me forever

That wouldn’t have to ask

Your poems were so clever

I never saw your mask

 

You gave yourself so freely

I couldn’t even see

It wasn’t you, who smiled right back at me

 

 Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

(my beloved enemy)

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis

(I burn for you)

 

I’m not afraid of darkness that walks the city streets

Betrayal is the one thing

That brings me to my knees

I thought you were an angel

My rescue from this hell

But devil was an actor

Who played his part too well

 

You vanished in the shadows

And suddenly I knew

That I would give my life to be with you

 

Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis

 

I don’t mean to leave it up to fate

Love is just another side of hate

It’s flowing through my veins

It burns me from within

The line between the lover

And enemy’s grown thin

 

Too late for this sinner to be saved

Your heart is the mystery I craved

You’re pushing me too far

You’ve brought me to my knees

When pain becomes the pleasure

And torture feels like bliss

 

Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis.

 

 

 

good morning! (and new cover)

We are frantically packing up and jumping in the van. Yes, a van. I am so tired and completely bleary-eyed, but excited. Tonight I perform in New York City.

"Beatrix Runs" debuted at #24 on iTunes, and climbed to #16.

I have no words to express, really, how I feel. This album means so much to me and was crafted with so much love and care. I gave my everything into the process, and both Greg (my producer) and I really felt we made something special. And it appears that the world at large agrees with us. And it makes me want to cry (in the best possible way).

I hope the album will continue to connect with people and really get to fly. If you are reading this, please share the iTunes link (above) with your friends, loved ones, co-workers and classmates. After all, it's how the word gets out - not through commercial exposure or promotion. And I don't have those luxuries. But who needs them, when I have such listeners as you?

And here is something I did just before leaving for the tour - another cover. This is Irving Berlin's 'The Song Is Ended (But The Melody Lingers On).

Enjoy. I hope my melodies continue to linger on for a bit longer..

 

Nightflyers -lyrics-from 'Beatrix Runs', out Tuesday!

Wake up, wake up

The stars are out

In this great divide

Come out, come out

And find your heart

There’s nowhere left to hide

 

Reach out, reach out

You’ll be all right

I’ll be by your side

Higher than the high

Hidden by the night

Following those lights

I will carry you, you, you

I will carry you, you, you

 

Wake up, wake up

The stars are bright

In this dark divide

Sing out, sing out

With all your might

I’ll be by your side

Higher than the high

Hidden by the night

Following those lights

I will carry you.

I will carry you.

 

We’ll drink the lilac wine we made from starlight

And ride the trail of stardust to the moon

 

You, you –

High -higher than the high

Hidden by the night

Following those lights

I will carry you.

I will carry you.

 

 

Lyrics for 'Armies of Your Heart' from Beatrix Runs - out 1/24/12

Say that you love me

don't let me slip away

break through illusion

and take a leap today.

Here at the crossroads

we're suspended in our minds

waiting and hoping

we will not be left behind.

 

Cause I want to be with you

but I need a place to start

I'm surrounded and captured

by the armies of your heart

And I feel so alive when I sing,

and I hope you've realized:

 

Higher and higher

and higher as we climb

birds on a wire

we're frozen in the sky

Paint me a doorway

and I'll magic you a key

tell me a story

where the hero sets me free...

 

Cause I want to be with you

but I need a place to start

I'm surrounded and captured

by the armies of your heart

And I feel so alive - so I sing

and I hope you've realized:

 

I will stay here

safe and sheltered in your palm

till it's time to wing towards the sun.

 

Tiger, tiger burning bright

running swiftly through the night

Hunted down and caught in flight;

who will save you now?

 

..cause I want to be with you

and I knew it from the start

I'm surrounded and captured

by the armies of your heart

And I feel so alive

When I sing and I follow

as the melody takes flight

Yeah, I feel so alive

when the song disappears into the sky

it is time.

 

Elizaveta - Armies of Your Heart - iTunes Live from Elizaveta on Vimeo.

 

(Banksy)

 

Lyrics for Orion, from 'Beatrix Runs' -out 1/24/12

Your silence is a question

to what I couldn't say

I see it in your tension

I let it slip away.

I know I never told you

I should have done it then

I could have tried to hold you

instead I turned and ran.

 

Did you know that I was dying

did you know that I was waiting for my ride?

the constellation of Orion

so bright that night

Did you know that I was fading

maybe I was hanging on to find

you'd be there to save me

if I ever fell behind

 

I know it doesn't matter

cause I'll be leaving soon

I'll try and send you letters

and postcards from the moon

I'll hear it if you call me

you have to know it's true

It gets a little lonely

I hope you miss me too.

 

But did you know that I was dying

did you know that I was waiting for my ride?

the constellation of Orion

so bright that night

Did you know that I was fading

maybe I was hanging on to find

you'd be there to save me

if I ever fell behind

 

When the shooting stars hit the city lights

I could tell that we would live forever,

you and I,

standing outside, gazing at the sky;

feeling so alive

alive...

 

If you knew that I was dying

if you knew that I was waiting for my ride

still waiting, hoping

for you tonight

I'm getting tired of trying

my destination's  glittering up high

The constellation of Orion

is where I'm going to fly.

So if you ever miss me

just look up -

look up to the sky.

 

is this you?

“There is probably no better or more reliable measure of whether a woman has spent time in ugly duckling status at some point or all throughout her life than her inability to digest a sincere compliment. Although it could be a matter of modesty, or could be attributed to shyness- although too many serious wounds are carelessly written off as "nothing but shyness"- more often a compliment is stuttered around about because it sets up an automatic and unpleasant dialogue in the woman's mind. 

If you say how lovely she is, or how beautiful her art is, or compliment anything else her soul took part in, inspired, or suffused, something in her mind says she is undeserving and you, the complimentor, are an idiot for thinking such a thing to begin with. Rather than understand that the beauty of her soul shines through when she is being herself, the woman changes the subject and effectively snatches nourishment away from the soul-self, which thrives on being acknowledged." 

"I must admit, I sometimes find it useful in my practice to delineate the various typologies of personality as cats and hens and ducks and swans and so forth. If warranted, I might ask my client to assume for a moment that she is a swan who does not realzie it. Assume also for a moment that she has been brought up by or is currently surrounded by ducks. 

There is nothing wrong with ducks, I assure them, or with swans. But ducks are ducks and swans are swans. Sometimes to make the point I have to move to other animal metaphors. I like to use mice. What if you were raised by the mice people? But what if you're, say, a swan. Swans and mice hate each other's food for the most part. They each think the other smells funny. They are not interested in spending time together, and if they did, one would be constantly harassing the other. 

But what if you, being a swan, had to pretend you were a mouse? What if you had to pretend to be gray and furry and tiny? What you had no long snaky tail to carry in the air on tail-carrying day? What if wherever you went you tried to walk like a mouse, but you waddled instead? What if you tried to talk like a mouse, but insteade out came a honk every time? Wouldn't you be the most miserable creature in the world? 

The answer is an inequivocal yes. So why, if this is all so and too true, do women keep trying to bend and fold themselves into shapes that are not theirs? I must say, from years of clinical observation of this problem, that most of the time it is not because of deep-seated masochism or a malignant dedication to self-destruction or anything of that nature. More often it is because the woman simply doesn't know any better. She is unmothered.” 
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves

 

I have always loved Clarissa Pinkola Estes and her writing. Her book 'Women Who Run with the Wolves' was a revelation to me - because it also taught me a lot not just about myself, but people around me.

It is true that accepting a compliment can be a difficult thing. The saddest part is that oftentimes it's those of us who crave to be recognized or appreciated the most - the most wounded ones - are also, by default, the ones who are unable to accept it.

I have often wondered if that is one of the reasons why so many brilliant artists go off the rails upon achieving the recognition they have worked so hard for. 

If your internal sense of worth is broken and wounded, the external recognition may assuage the symptoms, but does not truly address the cause. What's more, it may just create more discomfort, because the more one is told how wonderful he/she is, the more anxiety of being 'found out' sets in. It creates a kind of pressure to be perfect that can drive you to heights of achievement, but also into the depths of addiction or isolation.

The danger of insecurity is this then, precisely: it can be a driving force behind your success. Some of the most successful people in the world were driven by insecurity or desire to prove themselves. But like anything, taken to an extreme, it becomes a crippling device: the more you achieve, the more you are afraid, internally, that you are really a fraud - that at a drop of a hat, the castles you have built will come crashing down, and everyone will see the 'emperor with no clothes'.

What's more, if you encounter defeat or failure - and Life offers plenty of those, too - you will count them as proof. 

In fact, we all live our lives accumulating external proof to our internal selves.  

To find out what that default internal setting is for yourself or others around you, watch where these following words are said - or thought:

                  "I knew it. I knew it would happen/come to this/end like this/come to pass."

If it is said after something great happened, then you know what your internal setting is. You believed that something good would pass. You knew you had internal strength to pull this off. You had a sort of faith in the process and the world. You also believed on some level you were worth it.

If you are one of those people, then I will also take a chance and surmise that you are, indeed, one of those people able to take a compliment without discomfort. For these is a huge difference because humility and self worth.

If, however, you have found yourself saying the above words over and over again after a disappointment or failure - in the recent years or months - believe me - there is some work to be done. A tuning of your internal instrument. Maybe you need to consider changing the strings... Ask yourself: when someone tells you something nice about yourself, do you light up? Does it make you smile, or do you brush it aside? 

I know it because I have been both of those people. I have also been with both of those people. And we all have both kinds  in our families or close circles.

(to be continued)

Lyrics for Goodbye Song - from 'Beatrix Runs'

No need for flutes or violins

Cause they won't mean a thing

When everything's been said.

No need for fancy cards or flowery prose

Though I suppose

they make us feel less bad.

No need for long, drawn-out explaining 

how and when - and why - this love came to an end

No need to to tell me so sincerely

you still want to be my friend.

 

It's a goodbye song

A little bitter, but it's sweet

You always wanted one

It comes a little late - but it's complete

It's from the heart

Please remember: I love you dearly

although we have to part.

 

No need to gather up the evidence 

to justify the emptiness inside

No need to pray and turn for guidance to the Providence:

it simply won't provide.

No need to ask your friends 

for well-intentioned Good Advice -

they're happy to oblige.

(and though I know you want to)

 -no need to promise we will work it out

and start again

Let's simply turn the page.

 

It's a goodbye song

A little bitter, but it's sweet

And you always wanted one

It comes a little late - but it's complete

It's from the heart

Please remember: I love you dearly

although we have to part.

 

So I won't cling to you

because it's driving you away

No need for subterfuge

I've all run out of insights

and inspiring things to say.

No need to worry so about me

cause you know

I'm landing on my feet...

 

... a little late - but I'm complete.

I speak from the heart:

please remember - I love you dearly

although we have to part.

Please remember, I love you dearly

although we have to part.

(Written by Elizaveta -from Beatrix Runs, out January 24, 2012)

 

of what material art thou made?

I am not going to lie: I am very, very stressed.

 I am not going to enumerate all the reasons why. Suffice it to be said: it feels like every weak link in my life is being tested to the max. Which brings me to think, sometimes - could I be the weak link?

I did an interview with the Bullet magazine back in New York this past December. The interviewer looked at me and said: 'You are so positive - in your music and in your writing. It is so refreshing. How can you be that way?'. I was speechless for a moment because I never think of myself as a, well positive person. Not in that Californian way we have come to associate with the word. Sure, it has rubbed off on me, in a wishful thinking sort of way.

And on a good day, yes, I can be very positive.

But that is not my default setting. It is not even my acquired setting. It is more of a goal, than reality, at best of times.

As I posted my lyrics for the title track from the upcoming record, someone on Facebook wrote: 'Wow, pretty heavy stuff' - or something to that effect.

But once you'll hear the song, you'll understand. The song itself sounds like one of the happiest songs I have ever written. For sure, I looked over the lyrics again, and realized that without the music to highlight the contrast, the lyrics are, indeed, not on the cheerful side. But this is a song about freedom. And faith.

And therein lies the paradox. Because although I am prone to mood swings and tend to fall quite frequently into the depressive cracks in the pavement of the Street I generally inhabit, I still look up. I am an optimist. I am a short term pessimist and a knee jerk scaredy-cat. But long term, I am an optimist.

This brings me to the point of this blog entry. Perhaps we are all made of different materials. Quite like in the Chinese folk paradigm, where you are assigned, at birth, an element - Water, Fire, Wood or Metal.

I am Wood. And I have to say it fits me quite well, as far as the description goes.

But what I am trying to say is this: perhaps when we suffer - when we are in pain - sometimes needlessly so, but it doesn't lessen the sting - some of us will emerge finer, sharper and stronger. Maybe not so shiny anymore, but certainly more capable to withstand the extreme temperatures, whatever they may be.

Others of us will be broken, dulled and cowed by life. You do know what I am speaking of. Some of us never recover. They walk through life and they speak of their scars at all times, whenever they can - as if speaking of them at length will make them fade. You often hear them say: 'This will never work, because...' They say 'Are you sure you want to try this, because you know... They also say 'You know I love you/believe in you, but...' 

Sometimes we say this to ourselves, too.

So right now - this year - I am guessing I will find out what I am really made of. Will I emerge stronger and better? Or - if am really made of Wood, will I burn away to a crisp?

In which case, I choose it to be a bonfire for all to remember.

Lyrics from the title track of 'Beatrix Runs'

Beatrix Runs

 

Beatrix runs because she knows

that her heart beats like a vagabond's

Breathing hard and looking back -

her past is breathing down her neck.

Up the hill, through gate

Cross a bridge

Oh, it is taking her away.

 

Mom and Dad are fast asleep

and the sunrise creeping down the street

Wake up soon, but there's no note

She is gone, she's taken by the road

a little girl in a dress

like a ghost, swallowed by the mist.

 

Don't tell me how to live my life

or tell me how to be alive

Mama dear, Daddy dear

You know I'll be alright

Of all those lessons you could teach

you failed to practice what you preach

Mama dear, Daddy dear

I don't belong to you

I'm headed for the night.

 

Beatrix runs because she feels

there's a mire sucking at her heels

a prom queen dress, a waiting mould

and good girls do what they've been told

Up ahead there's a flash -

It is dawn - and she is gone.

 

Don't tell me how to live my life

or tell me how to be alive

Mama dear, Daddy dear

You know I'll be alright

Of all those lessons you could teach

you failed to practice what you preach

Mama dear, Daddy dear

I'm leaving at first light.

 

And all those plans you made for me

the daughter I will never be

the soccer shoes and magazines

I'm leaving them behind

Those pictures hanging on the wall

are telling me it's all my fault

But I can hear another voice

that's calling me away, away

Away.

 

Don't tell me how to live my life

or tell me how to feel alive

Mama dear, Daddy dear

you know I'll be alright

The road is waiting in the haze

the peaks and valleys of my days

and all I know is

wherever I, where I may go

I'll be alright -

I'm headed for the night.

(all rights reserved@Elizaveta 2012)